A Buzzfeed quiz made me angry about misogyny

Do we reinforce misogyny (and heteronormativity) by forcing it onto young people, thereby sabotaging their romantic relationships?

This quiz popped up on my Facebook feed. Sure, why not? It’s a silly quiz and it could be fun. I really enjoy confusing these “based on your taste in men, which stereotypical white girl thing do you like?” quizzes. As a nearly-30-year-old, married gay man whose hobbies include cooking, knitting, and taking care of birds, I knew there was no way this quiz was going to be even slightly revelatory, but perhaps hilarious.

Instead, one of the questions completely blindsided me. I wasn’t expecting some “woke” quiz with an evolved sense of gender equality and intellectual understanding of feminist theory, but I found instead a quiz that was aware of that world without actually being part of it.

After asking me which mid-2000s romantic comedy I would watch while “eating popcorn and drinking wine” with my ‘boyfriend,’ the quiz threw a curveball.

“Pick an issue your boyfriend won’t really understand until you undertake hours and hours of emotional labor explaining it to him.”

The choices were intersectional feminism, LGBT rights, institutional racism, capitalism as the enemy of human rights, capitalism as the enemy of the climate, and internalized misogyny.

Here’s my problem: if the young woman Buzzfeed assumed was taking this quiz would find it necessary to invest “emotional labor” in explaining an issue that is important to her that her boyfriend wouldn’t understand, why are we pretending like it’s okay for them to be together in the first place?

Today is my first wedding anniversary. Alex and I have been together for 7 years. We met when I was 21 and he was 19. We dove in and got serious after only two months. One of the main reasons is that I fell in love with every part of him, including his mind, his sensitivities, his worries, and his ideals. I can’t remember the last time anyone ever has told a young woman in my presence that you have to fall in love with your partner’s values. Why isn’t that a red flag?

We are doing a serious disservice to all young people when we don’t stand up and demand that they carefully vet their partners. Is it important to you that the person you love understand that misogyny, institutionalized (and more direct) racism, homophobia, and transphobia are real, present dangers in our world? Then why would you ever not know those things before you were in too deep?

We do not tell young people that their feelings matter equally in their relationship. It should go without saying that we place more pressure on young women specifically to find a man and settle down. From television and movie tropes of spinsters to the butt-of-the-joke “ugly” girl to the neighborhood “bad girl,” we have been instill this garbage into everyone’s head for as long as I’ve been alive. Now that people my age are starting to get married and have kids, we are just as likely going to continue the pattern if we don’t work to solve it.

Yes, this rant is about a silly Buzzfeed quiz about which Starbucks drink you would order based on how you “build a boyfriend,” but it’s also something that I see way too often in the world. It is not your job to train the man in your life to be a good person. No man is your project. Taking on a “project” instead of falling in love with someone who complements your soul is actually kind of a horrible thing to do.

We cannot and should not “train” someone to be the person we deserve. If nobody is truly perfect, we have to work that much harder to find the right person for us, but we often tell young people to instead settle with red flags in the name of finding love. It is not only unethical, but completely dangerous to tell someone to put aside their gut feelings or to smooth-over a significant relationship conflict just so they won’t be lonely. “Oh, maybe they’ll change! Maybe they will understand!” We are not here to fix someone’s flaws, but rather to grow together into the best people we can be. That’s a relationship.

Maybe the real problem is that we never took our own messages about “loving ourselves” seriously enough. I hope (and truly believe) that we will right this ship when it’s time to teach our children how to love, but I can’t help but feel bitter that it hadn’t been done before now.

In the end, the quiz told me that I probably “just go to Starbucks for the bathroom,” which oddly enough, ended up being completely true. So let’s fix that other question, then, and enjoy this delightful quiz.

Vegan ‘Moussaka’

While it barely resembles a moussaka at all, this recipe is a crowd pleaser, and “fake meat layered casserole in the style of moussaka” isn’t very catchy. Instead of a thick béchamel layer on top like a traditional moussaka, this recipe is topped with creamy potatoes (like a Shepherd’s pie) but cooks up to a similar texture as béchamel would.

This recipe is written out in pieces so that each layer of the dish can be cooked either simultaneously or separately, ahead of time. Everything except the mashed potatoes can be cooked ahead of time. This is a rather involved recipe, but it makes a very hearty main dish. You could also add a layer of fried or baked eggplant for a more authentic dish.

You can use however many of these layers you want in your final product. I put down a layer of matzah for the “crust” which worked beautifully (as it was served during passover) but store-bought puff pastry, bread crumbs, or even toast would make a nice  bottom layer once covered with the sauce. Enjoy! Let me know if you try it out. Continue reading “Vegan ‘Moussaka’”

Green Onion and Curry Matzo Brei (Easy!)

I have had plates of room-temperature, sweet, soggy matzo brei shoved in my face for ages and yet have somehow managed to never taste its glory. It was always such an unappealing recipe–just French toast without the good bread that makes one a pleasantly sweet breakfast meal and the other a wet saltine that ruins eggs.

Well, I am happy to say that I was mostly wrong. While I am loyal to the savory matzo brei, I do see the merits of the dish. The softened matzah takes perfectly to the egg and its spices to come together in a texture that just doesn’t seem to exist in other foods that I’ve tasted.

Now then, here is my public statement for which I may receive some flak: do not ever come at me with matzo brei without spice. This recipe uses curry powder and sliced green onions and is served with techina mixed with s’chug, a traditional Yeminite spicy condiment. Nothing lacking in flavor here. Continue reading “Green Onion and Curry Matzo Brei (Easy!)”

Eighteen Minutes (A Passover Story)

Making your own unleavened bread for Pesach forces you to really pay attention to time. Alex sets out the bowls of flour and broth, the dried fruits and nuts for his pan de semita, an unleavened Passover bread eaten by Jewish families in Mexico for centuries, and checks the time. He carefully organizes the ingredients so that he can reach them, because as soon as he mixes the flour and water, the countdown begins. One extra second means the whole lot of dough is rendered chameitz: unfit for consumption during Passover.

Perhaps that’s what this holiday is about: as we reflect on the story of the Exodus from Egypt, whether through retellings of the tale that recall literal slavery in a foreign land or through an interpretation that calls to mind slaveries both real and metaphorical, time is a central consideration. The Hebrews acted quickly. They made bread in haste, they set out for a destination they had never known, they traveled to the edge of a sea they had never seen without stopping to consider if their path even had a destination at all.

Today while my husband rolled out the pan de semita that adorns our table every Pesach, we talked about our own fascination with time-bound laws. Setting the timer for the halachicly-permitted 18 minutes between the time the flour meets water until it must enter the heated oven is stressful, he said, “but then you realize 18 minutes is a lot.”

As Jews in Jerusalem (and next year in New York City) we have it pretty easy as far as our Passover restrictions are concerned. Sure, we make our traditional Mexican Passover bread that Alex kneads by hand and mixes carefully until the last minute that Jewish law permits, but we also can walk to restaurants with Kosher for Passover options, find storefronts with treats made especially with our seasonal dietary restrictions in mind, and even visit neighbors whose homes are free of chameitz and brimming with food options should we need a meal.

But is 18 minutes really that much time? This year in Jerusalem, Alex and I have had to make our way with only two thirds of the money around which we formed our year’s budget. Without going into specifics, after rent and utilities, we have lived off of a little more than $100 a month for food. To put that into perspective, Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) benefits, what used to be known as “food stamps,” sets the minimum food cost for two adults in the United States at $357 a month. Even this is low, as it reflects just what the government pitches in as “assistance” to your food budget, meaning that the typical American food allowance is a bit higher than $200 per person in a country where food prices are among the lowest in the world. We are living on a quarter of that (in Jerusalem no less!) and we have done so masterfully this year.

However proud I am of our kitchen creativity and thrifty ways, I have not been able to shake an awful feeling of anxiety this year. I didn’t know where it was coming from until one night when I was stressed out about having to throw out a tupperware of soup that had gone bad.

“We just don’t have the money to waste food!” I said through tears.

I realized that every day I spend at least three hours planning, preparing, or cooking meals for the two of us. Three hours. That does not take into account the daily worry about if I am saving enough here and there for the end of the month, let alone money for emergencies if (G-d forbid) something should go wrong. No matter where I am, I shop out of the corner of my eye for the best price on staples like eggs, flour, vegetable oil, and salt—things that I completely took for granted when prices were better in Texas.

When you’re mixing dough for 18 minutes before popping it into a hot oven, you feel each agonizing second in the tensing muscles of your arms. When you’re running across a desert to a sea that may or may not be the end of the line for your entire nation, you feel each agonizing second from the sun against your neck and the fatigue in your legs.

The Hebrews did not have three hours in their day to plan delicious meals on a budget. They couldn’t afford to go to bed late to make sure that their privileged, food-blogger tastes were satisfied through alchemy with beans and grains in the kitchen.  They couldn’t spend hours each week walking to shops and markets to get the best prices on chick peas and pita. Preparing for Pesach reminds me that pieces of what I have relied on this year have to be removed from my kitchen for just over a week. The barley, pita, oats, and pasta that we have used to fortify our meals are being wiped out for the sake of remembering our historical narrative. While we are certainly not going to go hungry, we have had to keep our budget in mind and plan ahead for the days to come while living in a country where our options for additional income are limited at best.

Next year in New York I will have steady employment in addition to my student loans. So will Alex. We will still cook frugally and maintain our thrifty lifestyle, but we will not have to spend as much time preparing each meal. This Pesach I reflect on just what exactly time means to me. This year in particular, time has meant survival. How appropriate as we begin to set our tables for the retelling of our ancestors’ survival in days past.

May your Passover be full of family and blessing, and may we hope for a future when 18 minutes really does seem like a lot of time, no matter our circumstances.

Listen: “Koli El Elohim” (Psalms 77:2)

קוֹלִי אֶל־אֱלֹהִים וְאֶצְעָקָה קוֹלִי אֶל־אֱלֹהִים וְהַאֲזִין אֵלָי

I cry aloud to G-d; I cry to G-d that They may hear me.

I have been reading Psalms as I travel on the bus or train around Israel like the orthodox women I see bringing moments of devotion into their daily lives as the world zooms by. Psalm 77, which comes up in day 15 of the 30-day Psalm cycle, struck me. Its use of “koli” — my voice — is ambiguous as perhaps a noun and verb at the same time, and the use of “v’etz’akah,” an almost mournful intent to cry or call out to something beyond myself with such percussive consonants lent itself perfectly to this melody that has been rolling around in my head.

Coconut Mushroom Soup

I’m always looking for ways to bridge seasons. I generally prefer the root vegetables and mushrooms that show up in fall but always miss the fresh tang of spring and summer that I get from lemon and cilantro (especially because my husband is allergic to cilantro).

This soup successfully complements the waning winter and early days of spring that are still too cold for my liking. It is during this time of year that I am especially attracted to what are otherwise hearty winter soups with a stubborn dash of summer.

The recipe calls for za’atar, a Middle Eastern spice made of dried hyssop, citrus, and sesame seeds which you can find in most Middle Eastern markets in the United States. If you’re in a pinch, dry oregano will work, but does not pack the same crisp, rich spice of za’atar. I use coconut oil here because it tastes especially rich with the mushrooms without feeling as heavy as butter. Continue reading “Coconut Mushroom Soup”

Rain, Part IV: Thunder in Jerusalem

The rain is over. The forecast continues to tease me with the possibility of rain, but the Jerusalem spring prefers to bring brilliant gray clouds and blow them away just as they grace the horizon beyond my kitchen windows.

Today I heard thunder for the third time in Jerusalem. I looked to the sky and said the traditional blessing we recite upon hearing thunder: Blessed are you, Adonai our G-d, ruler of the universe, whose strength and power fills the earth.

This is one of the few short blessings in Judaism that I feel an affinity for in both Hebrew and English. It never falls flat for me–this idea that G-d is represented in the thunder that rumbles above us, reminiscent of the roars at Sinai.

וַיֹּ֨אמֶר מֹשֶׁ֣ה אֶל־הָעָם֮ אַל־תִּירָאוּ֒ כִּ֗י לְבַֽעֲבוּר֙ נַסּ֣וֹת אֶתְכֶ֔ם בָּ֖א הָאֱלֹהִ֑ים וּבַעֲב֗וּר תִּהְיֶ֧ה יִרְאָת֛וֹ עַל־פְּנֵיכֶ֖ם לְבִלְתִּ֥י תֶחֱטָֽאוּ׃

Moshe said to the people: Do not be afraid. G-d has come to test you so that the fear of G-d may be with you so lest you go astray [lest you sin].

English tends to render Torah in more absolute terms than the Hebrew of the Bible. I imagine that today’s Moses would tell us that G-d wants us to be mindful rather than fearful. Fear is one way to help us remember a significant event, but perhaps the feeling described here is a sense of wonder potent enough to encourage us to pass this story on to our children. That’s not to say that such “wonder” might not also be terrifying. Undoubtedly for some the Hebrews, the thunder was amazing. We can simultaneously fear thunder and lightning with their powers of destruction and admire their beauty as acts of creation.

I hear the shofar in the shabbat alarm that blasts from the Old City, alerting all Jerusalemites that it’s time to light the candles and bring in the day of rest. Beneath this thunder, though, I am not trembling. Rather, I hear the thunder as a subtle undertone from a G-d who has grown since the Exodus.

Blessed are You, Adonai our G-d, ruler of the universe, whose strength and power fills the earth.

And then I continue: Blessed are You who gives the blessing of growth and peace to all inhabitants of the earth; the One who hugs us with Her tears and gives us to blossom with Her hope. Who gives this beautiful act of creation to my loved ones.

ברוכה ששנותנת לכל יושבי תבל ברכת גדילה ושלום. שמחבקת אותנו עם דמעותיה, .ונותנת ללבלב בתקוותה

Today no rain fell. Instead, when a rainbow arrived, I released the stress and fears of my week from my mind and received shabbat.

Spicy, lemon-y tofu pasta salad

This recipe is really easy and can be thrown together for a quick dinner or served the next day either warmed up or cold. Either way, it’s a meal that feels light but is secretly packed with protein, and the lemon and spices make it perfect for either the start of spring or a winter that you wish would just end already!

Continue reading “Spicy, lemon-y tofu pasta salad”

Vegetarian Indian Curried Meatballs

I was never a fan of meatballs back when I ate meat, but the other day I remembered trying curried meatballs at an Indian restaurant many years ago and I couldn’t stop craving them. Since I wasn’t willing to eat meat to satisfy my craving (and since the one Indian restaurant in Jerusalem closed last month) I decided it was time to figure out how to approach meatballs in a vegetarian and, more importantly, cost-effective way.

I bought a bunch of “soya chunks” at a health food store in Jerusalem months ago and they have been sitting in a bag on a shelf. I had no idea what to do with them and figured I would just stick with tofu and beans until something came to me. Since then, my husband has learned how to make the most incredible seitan and our budget has become considerably tighter, so we no longer buy tofu more than once a month. After conquering my fear of homemade meat-replacements and deciding that I had to use the dried soy chunks for something, meatballs made sense.

“Soya chunks” (or “soy chunks”) are pieces of dehydrated soy, also known as “textured vegetable protein.” Horrifyingly gross name aside, they are weird, extremely unappetizing-looking pieces of dry, beige nonsense sold in bulk bins at health food stores and higher-end supermarkets. When soaked in boiling water and spices, however, these odd dehydrated pellets can become any number of things. And since they are really cheap (we pay between 5 and 8 shekels per 400 grams, which comes to less than a dollar for the amount used in this recipe) they are a perfect way to change up a typical weekly menu.

This recipe calls for rehydrating the soy chunks and pulsing them in a food processor with spices and onion, and then combining it all with flour (or breadcrumbs) and an egg, and then lightly pan searing each side before baking them in the oven. These meatballs are hearty and delicate at the same time, and the recipe I’ve included leaves the opportunity for you to add whatever additional spices you’d like, from fresh basil and fennel seeds for an Italian meatball to curry powder or chili powder for a south-Asian flavor. Continue reading “Vegetarian Indian Curried Meatballs”

Listen: “Love Is All Around”

When I was a kid, I would stay up watching Nick at Nite long after my parents told me to go to bed. I loved seeing the old shows and laughing at the jokes that I didn’t really understand. I remember making up my own reasons to find them funny, to find the characters compelling, to find their sadness sad and their happiness happy.

I loved “Three’s Company” because it was easy for an 8-year-old to follow. “The Facts of Life” was hilarious to me because my mom said I laughed like Natalie. “The Jeffersons” was great because Flo was a badass and the theme song gave me an excuse to belt about fish not frying in the kitchen.

The Mary Tyler Moore show was different. I was 8 years old and I knew that there was something unique about a show in which a single woman wasn’t a side character or the butt of the joke. I knew it was important to my grandma, and even to my aunts who are the strongest women I have ever known. I knew it was important because as a young queer kid who knew he was gay but didn’t really know what that meant, it just felt like there was something to this Mary.

Today Mary Tyler Moore passed away. I have been singing this particular theme song for many years. Today I share it as I celebrate the women in my life who have made me the person I am, even when they had no idea I was watching.